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Baby Shower Hostess Etiquette
Does baby shower hostess etiquette allow for gift suggestions, if yes, how? Here you will find numerous ways how the baby shower host can provide the baby shower gift suggestions to everyone invited in a most systematic way. Although, gift...
Buying Baby Clothes At A Discount
Dressing your little darling doesn't have to cost a fortune
It is no secret that having and providing for a new baby is an expensive job. With the expense of those all-important early doctor's visits, necessary items for the nursery, and the...
Developing Your Child's Compassion
Character is a set of qualities, or values, that shape our thoughts, actions,reactions and feelings. People with strong character show compassion are honest and fair display self-discipline in setting and meeting goals make good judgments,show...
Let Your Children Name the New Baby
Choosing a baby name is an important job, so make your children feel important by letting them help you name the new baby. After all, you're not the only one who's having a baby - your whole family is ! Use the process of naming the baby as an...
Teething Symptoms and How to Treat Them
Teething is what your baby experiences when her first set of teeth begins to appear. Some babies will go through this event without a problem. However, other babies will experience discomfort. To tell when your baby is about to enter this phase of...
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Clothesline Fresh – Country Myth Breaker # 17
Clothesline fresh, country fresh scent, smells like a country garden, those of us from the city have all seen our share of country clad laundry soap commercials. The token red barn glows in the distance. Closer in, clothes adorn the line. Each piece is so straight and evenly spaced you’d believe a team of sophomore geometry students hung them as their final class projects. Even more perfect, the lightest of breezes launches an ‘oh so soft’ billow along the stain free front row.
Even I think, who wouldn’t want their clothes to be clothesline fresh? And, don’t those people own underwear? Ahhhh! I use my clothesline. I must. There is not a man in the five-state region willing to rise to the challenge of touching my daunting propane line and antiquated fuse box. Like my outhouse, my dryer is purely ornamental.
Despite this forced march to my clothesline the results can be startlingly adequate. Yet as a good Cidiot (city idiot), It would be negligent of me if I did not point out a few hazards of clotheslines to budding country converts. Beware, hanging your skivvies in the wild is not all its cracked up to be. Consider these dilemmas.
Seven of Ten Birds Prefer to Defecate Out of Doors – Avian species have a remarkable instinct for textile quality. Anyone doubting this should hang their Thai Silk robe on one end of the clothesline. Put a flannel shirt on the opposite side. At the end of the day tally the results.
Sheets Attract Wind – Kids have a new kite? You can plan your day around it, guaranteed! Just wash your bedding in the morning and place it on your line. Rest assured, Mariah herself will blast through your backyard. Kites, bedding, lingerie, pugs - anything with a flat surface will dance its way through the sky, only to impale itself in full display atop the
silo of your local feed mill.
Remember the One Foot Rule – Most educated people know the three second rule. No matter where in your home you drop a piece of silverware, if you can retrieve it in three seconds or less you can eat off it without rinsing first. The one-foot rule, however, is only taught in rural school districts. It goes like this: Any textile on a clothesline that sags to within 12 inches of sweet Mother Earth, via the wind or any other means, must immediately be scent marked by every male canine (dogs, coyotes, wolves or prairie dogs) inside a three mile radius.
Animals Have Hair – Strangely enough farms are inundated with animals. Go figure. With all due respect to clothespins, they do little to remove hair. It takes four fabric softener sheets and a small nuclear plant to fluff out an intricate weaving of fur and feathers. During the spring shed I keep a HAZMAT team on stand by just to clean my lint traps.
Remodeling Your House? – You can save a fortune in costly building materials. Just hang your cotton towels out to dry on the clothesline. Not only will they dry stiff enough to be use as support beams, the bird shit will act as an adhesive for roofing projects.
Remember on that warm spring day, when the cottonwoods are spawning and your best angora sweater has just hit the line, imagine, within a matter of hours it will be more than you ever dreamed possible. And, as always, it will smell ‘clothesline fresh!’
About The Author
Nola L. Kelsey
The preceding was an excerpt from the scathingly wicked satire Bitch Unleashed: The Harsh Realities of Goin’ Country. A free e-book copy of Bitch Unleashed is available on Nola Kelsey’s web site at http://www.NolaKelsey.com.
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